Second: Chasing tails and catching tales

Something I have been questioning and obsessed about since 2010, maybe earlier. What am I supposed to do with my life? How will I make my life matter?

I asked this question to numerous people in the past years, and everyone has a prompt answer: create a company and become a millionaire, have a safe family, save dogs, save whales, save sharks, save the reef, dive the world, become a yoga teacher, travel the world, live off the grid, be an accountant, be a lawyer, be a teacher, be a psychologist, sleep with as many women as possible, have as many kids as possible, become a famous actor, teach handstands for a living, run an NGO, watch Benfica play…

I wanna be part of some of these (uuu got you thinking now? Go Benfica!!!), but none resonates with whatever is my life goal. I suffer from severe distraction and procrastination and at the same time I dream big, and some say I’m an idealist. Not sure what that means.

Purpose-of-life

People ask me constantly what is my life plan. It is very hard for everyone to understand that I do not have one. It is extremely hard for me to understand people that do know exactly where they want to be and how to get there.

My short history on this planet has presented me with constant unexpected change (not complaining). Perhaps the fact that I do not know what I want, allows me to be open to every possibility, which contributes further to not knowing what I want.

This blog reflects exactly that, no specific plan, no intentions with it, just make sense out of nonsense, and program synapses to a specific direction, whatever that may be.

Meanwhile, I know what my life purpose is not:

  • Not to be one more lost in the crowd,
  • No specifically be a mother,
  • Fame is something that scares the hell out of me

9618ae29055d92171a0a75522f638510

Tales I once believed to be building:

  • Wildlife photographer: National Geographic or BBC. I’m still amazed and inspired by how they capture those unbelievable images.
  • Criminal profiler – Once I thought I found out who Jack the Ripper really was. Still fascinated by twisted minds and underlying human motivation for good and bad.
  • Writer – Poet, storyteller and opinion writer – It is hard for me to make sense of my own mind, imagine translated into words (you can probably guess this by now)! Will read more Fernando Pessoa…
  • Freediving Instructor – or just tag sharks for a living
  • HR superstar in developing teams – my current job is proving me I have a long road ahead
  • Social Entrepreneur (I still want this one, by the way! Have many ideas!!) – save the world and all that jazz.

So here I am, chasing my own tail…

After achieving his biggest accomplishment, Fido struggled to find a new sense of purpose to his life.

First, “rant it out”

Totally out of a lapse. This is how this started… and from a desperate need to rant about life before I make sense of it.

Came out from work after a 13 hour shift, in a job where time is speed up and pumped with adrenaline. The day ends before you realize it. My days have been a blur between learning how to navigate this world, remember to call my parents, try to build a career in the fastest growing company in the world, and create a start-up on my “free time” with a business partner that has a rhythm as fast as his dream sports car (which is not yet invented, I’m sure). Honestly, the man should design a new scale to measure productivity.

In the middle, my best friends sends me a message worrying I may burnout, that I do not look healthy… Really?

c507929e0016c2470a5f146d9f5d965a--pale-girl-problems-redhead-problems

The last time I had sun it was exactly for 5 brief minutes this Sunday, before the microclimate ate away that precious star. I was sitting by my window with my laptop open, recharging energy like a thirsty solar panel… Have I mentioned that I live in Swansea? It is not enough to come out from the sunniest country in Europe to the UK, but I had to land on the wettest shore of this Island! Of course I do not look healthy, this is the palest I’ve been in my life. Fair skin, they call it, I don’t see any fairness in this.

Amongst the storm, I swirl in a tornado of reality checks: my leads and my manager counterpart tell me the clock is ticking, I should find a man and have kids… I’m almost 32… not getting any younger… It will be difficult after… and some other details I deliberately chosen to erase from my bruised mind (Thank you guys… have you been talking to my mum?). And finally, my sister who I love to death very sweetly encourages me telling me “I will collect what I am planting”.

cactus-small2-74fdfc89

My history with plants is disastrous. Keeping a simple life form alive (let alone healthy… I’m talking about cactus) is only comparable to my current pale unhealthy look. I’m pretty sure I won’t be collecting any super power own-grown plant, unless I invent some life form on the surface that can live without light… Hmm is this the idea that will launch me as a self-made entrepreneur? Will me new company save me?

This felt good. I hope I can sleep now.